With Love and in Good Faith

Dear Friend,

Something has died inside me. Days pass by like seconds and moments linger on in memory as days once did. The routine of responsibility and duty builds as much character as it destroys personalities. I suckle at the teat of consistency like an eager and hungry infant, never getting enough yet unable to process that which I have already consumed.

I find myself praying more and expressing more gratitude for the life I have, I don’t know if that is a reflection of my new found faith in the greater whole or a quiet surrender to the circumstance of perpetuity; an acceptance of my life as it stands.

The woman I loved, hated, befriended and fell in love with again no longer seeks my association or society. It is a terrible loss to one as reserved as I; more than anything I miss having a friend to speak with or a lover to comfort and find solace in. Strange indeed is the nature of our faculties, always yearning for that which has passed and never sated with that which is held.

Music and my thoughts are my sole companions now, they comfort me but they are limited by the lack of presence and reaction. Friends near and dear have set out to quest for their fortune abroad- I miss their life and wit but I care too deeply for them to wish them anything but success and good fortune, both of which I am sad to remark cannot be accomplished at home.

The taste of ambition and the sense of yearning deeply for something, have struck me. Though I find myself more able and confident of my abilities, a sense of foreboding does get the better of me. I know not where this fear stems from or why it overpowers my faculties so, but prayer and faith see me through these episodes of doubt.

Is it odd to fear your own potential? Is it odd to fear the waste of your abilities? Is it odd to be a silent spectator as your life happens around you? I suddenly sense that this is so; it is a new and alien feeling to me. It makes me anxious to waste a single breath or moment, I know it is an unpardonable crime but how do I break the shackles of routine and duty?

I have been meaning to travel and meet new people. I always seem to be at peace with myself when I travel. The new experiences and people I meet always tell me where I stand in my journey as a human being. The road reminds me that life is the road and that the only finite element is time. The people I meet remind me of the things I can still do and the life I can still lead. A bit of faith and gumption to survive the consequences is all one really needs to make choices.

I read somewhere that choices bind us or set us free. I wonder if I chose to be bound by my sense of duty and routine and if I chose that why am I not at peace with it?

I miss your ear and meaningful advice. I pray that your venture is successful and you return to us or perhaps we can meet in Paris, it is summer after all. Do write back.

With Love and in Good Faith

Constance Bridges