The straight and narrow

The two men sat opposite each other, sharing a pot of coffee in a busy side walk café. They had stopped loving each other years ago, and neither of them knew it at the time but this was the last time they would share a moment as intimate as they were experiencing now; a comfortable silence over a pot of coffee in a crowded side-walk café.

They fell in love with each other on a whim on an idle day, a September many years ago. Simon’s eager eyes and forcefully suppressed manner had appealed to Raj for reasons he couldn’t quite comprehend. A hostile courtship followed that month, and Raj’s delicate subterfuge and manipulation appeared to have broken through Simon’s protestations and moral vicissitudes. Raj’s bashful adolescent bravado had a charm that grew on Simon. Raj had a measured coolness when he proposed that they be more than friends, Simon was preparing for the question but was not ready for it when it came that cold 3 AM morning in a gaudy neon lit café.

Love.
Music.
Soul.
Heaven.
Invincibility.
Perfect.
One year later.

Simon left that cold December to visit family, their first real trial of separation- tears were shed, promises
made, hearts were steeled. Yes they would pine for each other but Simon had not seen his family for a year, Raj understood but couldn’t stop how he felt that way. He told himself to “man up”, not be emotional to take things in his stride, but that did little to allay this burgeoning sense of fear and shame. Fear because he had never felt this weak before, fear because he was afraid Simon might not come back the same, and deep shame because of who he had become- a homo like the ones they show on TV, like the ageing queens he met at parties and swore would never wind up like. He had given his heart to Simon but he could not be trusted, this was Simon’s first time in a relationship, what if he changed his mind, what if he decided he was not gay and Raj was just an experiment? What if? What if? What if? …

The months passed, Simon had returned recharged and eager to slumber in his lover’s arms, but came back to a more distant Raj. He didn’t say anything at first but Raj became more distant as the weeks went by; he refused to engage in any conversation that was more than superficial and became critical if Simon got emotional or sentimental, he could sense a rage and anger which he hadn’t noticed before. Simon and Raj used to luxuriate in each other every time they made love entire afternoons would pass by and it would feel like they had been there only minutes but that was now a twenty minute session after which Raj bathed and slept on the sofa in the living room while pretending to watch television. Simon was frightened of this side of his lover, but too frightened to cry and wildly confused - he felt used and unwanted.

Rape.
Fears.
Tears.
Confessions.
Reconciliation.
Aloof.
Adults.
Another year later.

Raj begged forgiveness and had spent an entire afternoon, weeping, in Simon’s lap, he resolved to never let his pride and paranoia come between them again and for the first time in an entire year had felt light and free. Things were going to be fine; it would be like those first few months when they fell in love. All seemed well in the weeks that followed, but the year of abuse had left Simon bitter and ill tempered. He would over react emotionally and Raj racked by guilt would indulge him his every whim. Simon would say and do things out of spite and test Raj’s affections for him. Raj indulged and yielded ground, he felt emasculated but he still yielded. Raj was becoming like those homo lap-dogs he detested, but he was at fault, amends had to be made and nothing would come between Simon and him again.

Raj grew angrier by the day, and he couldn’t understand why he did, but he did. He hated himself and hated how he began to fear Simon’s moodiness.

An out of town conference.
A two penny prostitute.
Manhood.
Power.
Reclamation.
Twelve months later.

Their relationship was now stagnant; they spent the better parts of their day working and associating with their separate social circles, when they met it was usually for a quiet dinner or for moody sex. Conversation was scant and cordial. Their fights were not as bitter but the venom stayed longer, each eyeing the other for any slip that could be blown out of context.

Each secretly hoping the other would end it.

The two men sat opposite each other, sharing a pot of coffee in a busy side walk café. They had stopped loving each other years ago, neither of them knew it at the time but this was the last time they would share this moment as intimate as they were experiencing now; a shared comfortable silence over a pot of coffee in a crowded side-walk café.

Kiss.
Fast car.
ICU.
Morgue.